What are some common mistakes parents make that could actually hurt their children’s mental and physical health in the long term?

I have seen so many good intentions go horribly wrong over the years that can result in self-harm, suicide and, in extreme cases, even murder. Here are some of the most common mistakes that can be really harmful to children.

1. Giving Them Too Many Choices – Many parents think children always should have endless choices, when the reality is kids can be overwhelmed if they’re always given so many options.

2. Praising Them For Everything They Do – It’s very common now to see kids who are almost junkies for praise. They won’t do anything unless there is a payoff for them.

3. Trying To Make The Child Happy – Their job is to learn to make themselves happy, and you can never force a child to be happy.

4. Overindulging Them – They will almost always end up believing acquisitions lead to happiness. This sets up chasing the never-satisfying carrots, and can result in addictions and compulsions.

5. Keeping Them Too Busy – Most commonly with sports. Many parents wrongly believe “activities” will keep their kid out of trouble, but often times this will lead to the child being burned out or even becoming a bully.

6. Thinking (that being) Smart Will Save Them – It can be tempting for parents to promote smart as the end-all-be-all. Yet this can lead to a child becoming arrogant, thinking everyone else is stupid or secretly believe that they have to put on an act and are a fraud. As a result, nobody likes them.

7. Thinking A Strict Religion Will Give Them Perfect Values And Save Them – The first time they see hypocrisy in their parents or the touted beloved leaders, the house of cards start to fall.

8. Withholding Common Information About Important Topics — Like Sex – Many parents are terrified of talking about sex, and believe avoiding discussing it with their children will save them. But I’ve seen 13-year-old girls get pregnant, sometimes just to flaunt it at their parents.

9. Being Hyper-Critical Of The Child’s Mistakes – It can be easy to assume intense scrutiny promotes success and makes kids better. But kids raised this way are driven to perfection in everything from looks, likability, sports, smarts, or you name it. When a mistake happens, they are worthless as a human being and start getting so angry that in some cases they will resort to self-harm even to the point of suicide.

10. Using Shame, Shunning, Or Threats – Never imply that there is a chance you might not love your child due to their actions, as some parents do so in order to get their kids to achieve compliance. It is a short term gain with abandonment lurking in the shadows. Then the child doesn’t care either.

11. Making Kids Do Things Inappropriate For Their Age – I have 3 patients right now who, by age 4, were having to feed themselves and or had to be in charge of a sibling also. I’ve seen many who didn’t have children of their own because as they all said; “I raised my family.”

12. Not Limiting Screen Time – Whether it’s TV, video, games, phone or texting. I know a family where the mom and teenage son text each other constantly and no one else can get into their relationship link.

13. Not Letting Kids Get Bored – Some parents think children are supposed to be stimulated at all times and it’s their job to avoid boredom. Then kids don’t learn to be creative and find the way out of boredom in themselves.

14. Protecting Kids From Their Own Consequences And Loss – I see parents with good intentions get their kids everything, from a simple toy to buying them out of legal trouble, and suddenly are surprised when the child respects nothing. All of us need to learn losing is just another way to gain wisdom and experience about what not to do.

15. Not Letting Kids Play ‘Dangerously’ – The Forest Kindergarten schools have shown the children get sick less, are more well adjusted and also get along better than their regulated indoor peers.

16. Not Debriefing Kids At Bed Time – “What happened today?” Children sleep better and feel loved when the parent shows an interest in what happened that was significant to them in their own lives.

17. Not Reading To Very Young Children – Reading requires the child to be still, be quiet, and use their imagination. All the things videos don’t. It prepares them for listening in school and being able to use their imagination for creativity and alternatives as a resource.

18. Pulling Pacifiers Too Soon – Parents know the pacifier is an outward symbol of insecurity, so they tend to take it away as soon as they can, instead of getting the child secure where it would drop-out naturally. I have adult patients who secretly suck their thumbs.

19. Not Regulating Food – And especially inquiring: “Are you full?” When this happens, typically your kid will load the plate again. That is an old survival program from our heritage as scarcity, when food was not available. Kids then chase a full-filled sensation, not understanding each time you fill yourself, your stomach adapts to that as normal and expands.

20. Spanking Children Older Than 5 – Parents think it will teach them to be good, but using corporal punishment never works as well as love. I see all kinds of patients where the concept of ‘Spare the rod-spoil the child’ was anything but. No spoiling, just oppositional, angry, bullying, deceiving, fearful or performing automatons

 

Source: https://bit.ly/3wWcEVq

As soon as your child develops his motor skills, he’ll be showing you his dominant hand.

What should you do if it’s his left one?

First of all, says Gina Landfair, Occupational Therapist at Chicago’s Children’s Memorial Hospital, don’t force a round peg into a square hole. If you suspect your child’s a lefty, don’t attempt to transform him into a righty. “This just causes more problems later,”

Landfair says, at around age 5, your child’s dominant hand will be very apparent. In fact, at times parents can tell at as young as age 3 which side a child prefers. Suspect your child is a lefty but not 100% sure? Try these tests: Place a ball down on the floor and ask her to pick it up and throw it. Set a spoon alongside her yogurt and watch her pick it up and eat.

Once you’re sure you have a lefty living under your roof, there are a few things to keep in mind. True, you’ll raise your left-handed child the same way you would if he were right-handed. But you may face some small challenges you might not have thought about otherwise.

Probably the most significant area of concern for parents of left-handed children is writing.

According to Landfair, lefties simply cannot write with a piece of paper positioned vertically. For school age children (kindergarten to first grade), parents can help significantly by teaching them to tilt their paper toward their right, she says. Just as important, make sure your child is grasping the pen properly. Lefties have a tendency to use a ‘hook’ grasp so they can see what they are writing, but they should be encouraged to hold writing instruments the “right” way. Also, buy quick drying pens, as lefties tend to smear the ink as they’re writing, because their hands skim over their recent work as they move on to the next section. When it’s time to introduce your child to a computer, Landfair recommends investing in a left-handed mouse.

Moving from pen to pavement, be aware that learning to tie shoes can be more challenging for lefties. Sometimes it helps to tie your shoes in front of a mirror so your left-handed child can see how she should do it. Landfair suggests letting your child practice while the shoes are off first, then try tying with them on. (In her sessions, it usually takes a lefty longer to learn to tie shoes, so have patience).

Finally, take advantage of new fangled things. The industry has become savvy, bringing to market a slew of products made just for the lefties in our midst. From school essentials like left handed notebooks, scissors, and pens, to objects that just make life a little easier– like can openers or sports equipment, there are plenty of products designed specifically for left-handed people. It’s worth the money to ease your child’s (and your) frustration.

According to Landfair, “The main thing to keep in mind when teaching either a right-handed or left-handed child, is a lot of repetition.” Kids need to do things over and over to learn a skill.

The bottom line? Stop worrying about your lefty! True, he might not do things the exact same way as the other kids on the block. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, studies show that left-handed people tend to have higher IQs than right-handed people.

Even though a left-handed person crosses his T’s from right to left or hangs his clothes in the closet opposite of how a right-handed person would, there’s no reason to think he won’t turn out just fine, or even be first in his class. He’ll grow up just like any other child. He’ll just do it from a slightly different angle.

By Sue Douglass Fliess

Culled from https://bit.ly/32FZqhu

It isn’t just about teaching your children good manners, it’s also about behaving well yourself.

Adhere to these simple recommendations, and your children will follow your good example:

Tips for Parents

• Your example is all important. So don’t lose your temper, and keep your reactions to your child well-moderated. If you’re angry with a child because of his/her behaviour in a public place (a supermarket, for example), don’t shout the roof down.

• Speak reasonably to your child. If the situation is getting out of control, take it outside. Don’t humiliate your child in public.

• Don’t humiliate your child in front of his/her friends. If your child’s behaviour is becoming intolerable, take him/her out of the room and speak to him away from other children.

• Don’t make empty threats. If your response to bad behaviour is to say “any more of this and we’re going home without an ice cream” then you must do precisely what you threatened if the misbehaviour continues. If you don’t carry through your child will quickly learn to take your volatile reactions with a pinch of salt.

• If you can see that your child is being bullied, or pushed and shoved, by another child, wait and see if the other parents will intervene.

• If they don’t, it’s perfectly acceptable to take the situation in hand. Obviously your response should be calm and gentle, “I think xxxx was already playing with that toy” or “Be careful, I think you might be hurting xxxx’s arm”. These comments are very mild, and shouldn’t anger the offending child’s parents (in fact they may act as a useful mild reproach, and provoke them into actually doing something constructive).

• Try and avoid, where possible, complaining to the parents – people can become very defensive about their children and may react very aggressively.

• Be very vigilant about the behaviour of your child around other children, and intervene quickly if you think that your child is causing problems.

• Be aware at all times of the impact your child is having on other adults around you, especially in places where people can reasonably go with the expectation of some peace and quiet – train carriages, restaurants, pubs and so on.

• For example, if you’re sharing a carriage in a train with a quiet, newspaper-reading commuter, and your children are creating carnage, then it’s up to you to intervene. The same goes for restaurants, where rowdy kids can frequently disturb other diners.

• If, on the other hand, your kids are playing noisily in the park and you’re getting filthy looks from the dog-walker, you might reasonably conclude that they’re being very over-sensitive about natural behaviour in a public place. If they find children playing in a park thoroughly objectionable, then they are obliged to move on.

• Always lead by example. Be polite at all times, listen carefully, act deferentially towards the elderly, show consideration for people in public places. Your good manners will inevitably rub off on your children.

Source:https://bit.ly/3t32cJz

Table manners are by no means natural (as will become obvious when you witness, horror-struck, the graphic scenes that accompany very young children’s mealtimes). Eventually you will have to teach children to wield and knife and fork correctly, not slurp from a glass, and may even introduce them to the arcane mysteries of correct cutlery usage, tipping soup bowls way from you, etc.

Don’t get bogged down in these minutiae. Concentrate instead on the absolute essentials. And always bear in mind that if you get too uptight about manners, you will turn family mealtimes into an absolute purgatory that is dreaded by children and adults alike.

Repeated lectures about nagging remarks about shortcomings do not make for a convivial atmosphere.

Absolutely Essential Table Manners
• Wait until everyone has started before you do; if you are specifically invited to start immediately, it is acceptable to do so.
• Always eat with your mouth closed.
• Always use cutlery (fingers are for bread, fruit and barbecues)
• Never reach across the table and help yourself to food; always ask for food to be passed to you (a please won’t go amiss).
• Eat as much as you can, then put your knife and fork together on the plate to indicate you have finished.
• Ask permission to leave the table, or wait until there is a general move to do so.

Source: https://bit.ly/3cVVDCQ

Here are a few invaluable tips that will help your children behave well when they’re out and about, visiting friends’ homes, or reacting to other people.

It may feel tedious and mechanical, but if you work at it, these will become knee-jerk responses…

Top Tips For Good Social Manners

• Keep reminding them about their p’s and q’s. Drumming in the automatic ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ response is absolutely essential.

• Insist that children write proper thank you letters (as soon as they’re capable) for all presents. Supervise these letters and ensure that the child writes more than a perfunctory single sentence.

• Get your child into the habit of asking permission before they help themselves to food, snacks or drinks or switch on the television.

• If they follow these rules in your own house, the chances are that they will adhere to them when visiting friends’ houses – other parents may find proprietorial rummaging in the fridge or channel-hopping rude and intrusive.

• Help your child to find ways to control and contain anger. Tantrums are tolerated in toddlers, but uncontrolled displays of anger will not win your child any friends.

• Initiate your children into the art of conversation. Sit down with them for a few minutes each day (alternatively at mealtimes) and ask them questions about their day, tell them an anecdote about your work, or discuss an item on the news…

If children become used to this kind of interchange, they will find that conversations with other adults come naturally, and you will be spared the embarrassment of the monosyllabic child, whose unwillingness to talk to your friends and relations is absolutely palpable.

Source: https://bit.ly/2PLmN6i

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According to a study from Genetics Home Reference, only 50% of a child’s intelligence is passed down from the parents, while the remaining 50% can be attributed to a child’s environment, availability of learning resources, nutrition, parenting, and education.

A study by psychologist Robert Sternberg concluded that the child’s skills and knowledge are usually the result of one’s family. However, it is not just genetic relation, but rather, an educational one. He further explained that children inherit practical intelligence from their parents which is the knowledge that comes from the way your parents communicate with their kids.

Most parents are probably wondering that if IQ is not just purely genetics, how do you help your child’s IQ development? The process could actually start while the child is in the mother’s womb.

?. ??????? ??? ?????? ?? ????????????? – As a parent, there are several ways you can interact with your child that will help with his/her brain development starting as early as the day the child is being conceived. There were also several studies linking breastfeeding with brain development. A recent study shows that a longer duration of breastfeeding is linked to smarter adults and higher chances of earning more during adulthood. Dr Bernardo Lessa Horta, the lead author of the said study explained that, “The effects of breastfeeding on brain development and child intelligence is well established. Our study provides the first evidence that prolonged breastfeeding not only increases intelligence until at least the age of 30 years, but also has an impact both at an individual and societal level by improving educational attainment and earning ability”.

?. ????????? ???????? ?? ???? ???? ?????? ??? ????? ?????- In a study at University of Washington in Seattle, they discovered that playing with blocks encourages and actually improves language abilities in toddlers in a duration of over a 6 months. Also, by enrolling your child to any of the creative arts activities such as painting, playing an instrument, or singing, based on the child’s early interests, it helps nurture his/her ability in that area.

3. While it’s understandable that most parents may be worried that children may fall into addictive activities such as excessive use of the computer or the Internet, a study at Queen Mary University of London and University College School shows that certain types of video games can actually help improve the child’s strategic thinking and help train the brain to become more alert.

?. ????? ??????? ????? ???????????? – During the early stages of the child, it is important to expose them to activities that will eventually help develop their cognitive skills, such as video conferencing. Elisabeth McClure, researcher from Georgetown University explained that, “Babies who are pretty young are able to pick up, in particular, whether or not an adult is actually responding to them in real time. Video conferencing can be used in various ways to help engage a child, while making sure that you are also giving them an opportunity to learn. Playing guessing games, or reading stories on video calls, or play drawing games are some activities you can encourage.

?. ?????? ?????????? – A positive mental frame can dramatically enhance intellectual performance. Teach your child to practice positive responses and positivity. Make sure that your child does not become hopeless or negative under any circumstances.

?. ????????? ??? ???????? ?? ?????????? ??? ?????? ?????? ?????? – Another efficient and effective method for stimulating a child’s mental faculties and performance is controlled breathing. Research shows that school children can increase their grades if they do breathing exercises prior to tests or assignments.

?. ??????? ?? ???????? ??????????? ????? ????? – Mental games such as chess, checkers, crossword puzzles, scrabble, and mathematical puzzles go a long way to stimulate the mind. They enhance a child’s verbal skills, concentration, perception, and reasoning.

?. ????? ???? ?? ???????? – Physical activity, including playing sports, boosts blood flow to all parts of the body, including the brain. When the brain is supplied with freshly oxygenated blood, concentration, thinking speed, and complex reasoning are all enhanced. These activities promote clear thinking, stimulate the brain’s learning capabilities, increase energy and concentration.

?. ????????? ???????- Reading to your child when he is young and encouraging him to read later is a great way to expose your child to the wonderful world of storytelling and knowledge. Reading is particularly important if you want to boost the IQ of your children.

??. ????????? – Certain brain foods such as citrus fruits, eggs, fish, lean meats are said to improve memory, prevents mental fatigue, and contribute to overall mental health of the child. The human brain is not static. Several studies show that while some of your child’s mental abilities may be influenced by genetics, the ability to learn and improve can be trained.

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Any good parent wants their children to stay out of trouble, do well in school, and go on to do awesome things as adults. While there isn’t a set recipe for raising successful children, psychology research has pointed to a handful of factors that predict success. Unsurprisingly, much of it comes down to the parents.

Here’s what parents of successful children have in common:

In a nutshell,
• They make their children do chores
• They teach their children social skills
• They have high expectations
• They have healthy relationships with each other
• They have attained higher educational levels
• They teach their children math early on
• They develop a relationship with their children
• They are less stressed
• They value effort over avoiding failure
• The moms work
• They have a higher socioeconomic status
• They are “authoritative” rather than “authoritarian” or “permissive”
• They teach “grit”

1. They make their children do chores

“If children aren’t doing the dishes, it means someone else is doing that for them,” Julie Lythcott-Haims, former dean of freshmen at Stanford University and author of “How to Raise an Adult” said during a TED Talks Live event. “And so they’re absolved of not only the work, but of learning that work has to be done and that each one of us must contribute for the betterment of the whole,” she said.

Lythcott-Haims believes children raised on chores go on to become employees who collaborate well with their coworkers, are more empathetic because they know firsthand what struggling looks like, and are able to take on tasks independently.

She bases this on the Harvard Grant Study, the longest longitudinal study ever conducted. “By making them do chores — taking out the garbage, doing their own laundry — they realize I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life,”.

2. They teach their children social skills

Researchers from Pennsylvania State University and Duke University tracked more than 700 children from across the US between kindergarten and age 25 and found a significant correlation between their social skills as kindergartners and their success as adults two decades later.

The 20-year study showed that socially competent children who could cooperate with their peers without prompting, be helpful to others, understand their feelings, and resolve problems on their own, were far more likely to earn a college degree and have a full-time job by age 25 than those with limited social skills.

Those with limited social skills also had a higher chance of getting arrested, binge drinking, and applying for public housing.

“This study shows that helping children develop social and emotional skills is one of the most important things we can do to prepare them for a healthy future,” said Kristin Schubert, program director at the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, which funded the research, in a release.

“From an early age, these skills can determine whether a child goes to college or prison, and whether they end up employed or addicted”

3. They have high expectations

Using data from a national survey of 6,600 chiren born in 2001, University of California at Los Angeles professor Neal Halfon and his colleagues discovered that the expectations parents hold for their children have a huge effect on attainment.

“Parents who saw college in their child’s future seemed to manage their child toward that goal irrespective of their income and other assets,”  he said in a statement.

The finding came out in standardized tests: 57% of the children who did the worst were expected to attend college by their parents, while 96% of the children who did the best were expected to go to college.

This falls in line with another psych finding: The Pygmalion effect, which states “that what one person expects of another can come to serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

In the case of children, they live up to their parents’ expectations.

4. They have healthy relationships with each other

Children in high-conflict families, whether intact or divorced, tend to fare worse than children of parents that get along, according to a University of Illinois study review.

Robert Hughes Jr., professor and head of the Department of Human and Community Development in the College of ACES at the University of Illinois and study review author, also notes that some studies have found children in nonconflictual single-parent families fare better than children in conflictual two-parent families.

The conflict between parents prior to divorce also affects children negatively, while post-divorce conflict has a strong influence on children’s adjustment, Hughes says.

One study found that, after divorce, when a father without custody has frequent contact with his children and there is minimal conflict, children fare better. But when there is conflict, frequent visits from the father are related to poorer adjustment of children.

Yet another study found that 20-somethings who experienced divorce of their parents as children still report pain and distress over their parent’s divorce 10 years later. Young people who reported high conflict between their parents were far more likely to have feelings of loss and regret.

5. They have attained higher educational levels

A 2014 study lead by University of Michigan psychologist Sandra Tang found that mothers who finished high school or college were more likely to raise children that did the same.

Pulling from a group of over 14,000 children who entered kindergarten in 1998 to 2007, the study found that children born to teen moms (18 years old or younger) were less likely to finish high school or go to college than their counterparts.

Aspiration is at least partially responsible. In a 2009 longitudinal study of 856 people in semirural New York, Bowling Green State University psychologist Eric Dubow found that “parents’ educational level when the child was 8 years old significantly predicted educational and occupational success for the child 40 years later.”

6. They teach their children math early on

A 2007 meta-analysis of 35,000preschoolers across the US, Canada, and England found that developing math skills early can turn into a huge advantage.

“The paramount importance of early math skills — of beginning school with a knowledge of numbers, number order, and other rudimentary math concepts — is one of the puzzles coming out of the study,” coauthor and Northwestern University researcher Greg Duncan said in a press release. “Mastery of early math skills predicts not only future math achievement, it also predicts future reading achievement.”

7. They develop a relationship with their children

A 2014 study of 243 people born into poverty found that children who received “sensitive caregiving” in their first three years not only did better in academic tests in childhood, but had healthier relationships and greater academic attainment in their 30s.

As reported on PsyBlog, parents who are sensitive caregivers “respond to their child’s signals promptly and appropriately” and “provide a secure base” for children to explore the world.

“This suggests that investments in early parent-child relationships may result in long-term returns that accumulate across individuals’ lives,” coauthor and University of Minnesota psychologist Lee Raby said in an interview.

8. They’re less stressed

According to recent research cited by Brigid Schulte at The Washington Post, the number of hours that moms spend with children between ages 3 and 11 does little to predict the child’s behavior, well-being, or achievement.

What’s more, the “intensive mothering” or “helicopter parenting” approach can backfire.
“Mothers’ stress, especially when mothers are stressed because of the juggling with work and trying to find time with children, that may actually be affecting their children poorly,” study coauthor and Bowling Green State University sociologist Kei Nomaguchi told The Post.

Emotional contagion — or the psychological phenomenon where people “catch” feelings from one another like they would a cold — helps explain why. Research shows that if your friend is happy, that brightness will infect you; if she’s sad, that gloominess will transfer as well. So if a parent is exhausted or frustrated, that emotional state could transfer to the children.

9. They value effort over avoiding failure

Where children think success comes from also predicts their attainment.

Over decades, Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck has discovered that children (and adults) think about success in one of two ways:

A “fixed mindset” assumes that our character, intelligence, and creative ability are static givens that we can’t change in any meaningful way, and success is the affirmation of that inherent intelligence, an assessment of how those givens measure up against an equally fixed standard; striving for success and avoiding failure at all costs become a way of maintaining the sense of being smart or skilled.

A “growth mindset,” on the other hand, thrives on challenge and sees failure not as evidence of un-intelligence but as a heartening springboard for growth and for stretching our existing abilities.

At the core is a distinction in the way you assume your will affects your ability, and it has a powerful effect on children. If children are told that they aced a test because of their innate intelligence, that creates a “fixed” mindset. If they succeeded because of effort, that teaches a “growth” mindset.

10.  The moms work

According to research out of Harvard Business School, there are significant benefits for children growing up with mothers who work outside the home.

The study found daughters of working mothers went to school longer, were more likely to have a job in a supervisory role, and earned more money — 23% more compared to their peers who were raised by stay-at-home mothers.

The sons of working mothers also tended to pitch in more on household chores and childcare, the study found — they spent seven-and-a-half more hours a week on childcare and 25 more minutes on housework.

“Role modeling is a way of signaling what’s appropriate in terms of how you behave, what you do, the activities you engage in, and what you believe,” the study’s lead author, Harvard Business School professor Kathleen L. McGinn, told Business Insider.

“There are very few things, that we know of, that have such a clear effect on gender inequality as being raised by a working mother,” she told Working Knowledge.

1. They have a higher socioeconomic status

Tragically, one-fifth of American children grow up in poverty, a situation that severely limits their potential.

It is getting more extreme. According to Stanford University researcher Sean Reardon, the achievement gap between high- and low-income families “is roughly 30% to 40% larger among children born in 2001 than among those born 25 years earlier.”

As “Drive” author Dan Pink has noted, the higher the income for the parents, the higher the SAT scores for the children.

“Absent comprehensive and expensive interventions, socioeconomic status is what drives much of educational attainment and performance,” he wrote.

2. They are “authoritative” rather than “authoritarian” or “permissive”

First published in the 1960s, research by University of California at Berkeley developmental psychologist Diana Baumride found there are basically three kinds of parenting styles:
• Permissive: The parent tries to be nonpunitive and accepting of the child
• Authoritarian: The parent tries to shape and control the child based on a set standard of conduct
• Authoritative: The parent tries to direct the child rationally
• The ideal is the authoritative. The child grows up with a respect for authority, but does not feel strangled by it.

3. They teach “grit.”

In 2013, University of Pennsylvania psychologist Angela Duckworth won a MacArthur “genius” grant for her uncovering of a powerful, success-driving personality trait called grit.

Defined as a “tendency to sustain interest in and effort toward very long-term goals,” her research has correlated grit with educational attainment, grade-point average in Ivy League undergrads, retention in West Point cadets, and rank in the US National Spelling Bee.

It’s about teaching children to imagine — and commit — to a future they want to create.

Source
http://www.businessinsider.com